it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
