I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
our cab driver is having phone sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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