Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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