So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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