The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
