Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I puked a lego.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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