who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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