Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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