My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
