i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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