when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
