i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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