Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
