Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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