Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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