Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
