Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dicks are not precious.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
