pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize