Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
