Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
