Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
