I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
