i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to make out with him forever
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
