thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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