If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
