I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
