Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
