Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
