Who did Billy Mays play for?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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