I puked a lego.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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