Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
