ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
