There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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