Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
