Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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