Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
