So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
