wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize