I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Nicole vs. Life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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