You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
