Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
