Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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