I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
