Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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