today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
