booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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