I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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