Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize