I wish I could teleport
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize