I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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