So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
