I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
