I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
