Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
