Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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