not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
