no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize