just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
