its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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